Flowers and plants in test tubes on colorful background

Some facet of the feminine mind cherishes flowers. According to Dr. Ruby Payne, around 70% of female brains share an attraction to color and detail that is generational to the tune of evolution. As a result, girls fantasize about being given flowers. The female brain’s attraction to all things floral is often used to manipulate romantic feelings by transferring feelings of attraction to being given flowers on to the little dweeb that sent them. Projecting enjoyment of flowers onto the dweeb/sender in the form of romantic attention becomes a product of manipulation via floral purchase, or FRM (floral romantic manipulation).*

For years I saved every flower given to me by the father of my sons. There were flowers to win me back while dating, wedding flowers, and flowers when I had each baby. Toward the end of our 13-year marriage, when we were really struggling, he gave me a teeny-tiny bouquet of Barbie doll-sized red silk flowers. I found it odd but enjoyed the false glimpse of hope that we could reach a turning point in the trajectory of our marriage. The flowers, as tiny and odd as they were, made me pause and look for the best in my spouse and spotlight any positivity I could find. I enjoyed my sons seeing that Daddy gave me flowers, and I told my sister (minus the weird tiny details), which eased the pain of a front-row seat to my failing marriage. I clung to that little bouquet as evidence that I was loved. The gesture of giving flowers is impactful independent of their actual value. Wildflowers, paper flowers, and flowers from a florist all potentially impact the female brain and attitude unless it is immune to FRM. Immunity only can be achieved through exposure by receiving flowers often.

Today I send flowers as often as possible to nieces to prevent them being swayed by the first boy who sends flowers, and in an attempt to make the fulfillment of desires for fairy tale romance not dependent on a partner. I am building their immunity to FRM. If most girls’ brains cause them to love flowers, then they should have flowers independent of a romantic Valentine. By the time a young man attempts to win my niece’s heart, she should be so accustomed to receiving flowers on special occasions that flowers from a boy are seen on their own merit and do not lend the young man credibility that he has not earned. If a romantic suitor had given my niece her first flowers, she would be more likely to fall for the little zit-faced heathen only because she likes to be given flowers or even the idea of being given flowers.

I later discovered one hidden source of my marital discourse was my husband’s addiction to methamphetamine. As it turns out, it is illegal to sell glass meth pipes in stores and label them “meth pipes,” so gas stations call them “décor” or “incense burners” and cram a small red flower in the pipe’s stem to make the “not a meth pipe” purchase legal. The weird red bouquet of five flowers was from a collection of five meth pipes, which proves the gesture is impactful independent of the value of the actual gift. The only way to insure my nieces won’t fall for meth pipe flowers is to make sure they are immune to FRM by sending them flowers often.

*FRM (floral romantic manipulation) is a made-up term and is used here as satire.